A Walking Contradiction

I recently was filling something out and it asked me for my weaknesses.  It took me off guard because I have never really thought about that before and it got me thinking.  There are so many things about myself that confuse me.  I don’t even want to begin to understand how my husband even puts up with me, but I am so thankful he does!  I have so many sides to myself that I believe I am a walking contradiction in many aspects of my life.

  • I love God and yet I swear all the time, drives people crazy!
  •  I hate disagreement and arguing, yet I will never back down from a fight.
  • I love dressing up and being girly, but I love playing sports and getting dirty.
  •  I appear confident to most people, but on the inside I am always judging myself.
  • I am predictably unpredictable, I can go from 0-60 when the right buttons are pushed.
  • I am organized in my own disorganized chaotic way, if my husband cleans my mess…I am screwed!
  • I need saving at times from my own thoughts, but hate to have people think I am weak.
  • I am full of energy, but can be lazy.
  • I am calm but feisty.
  • I am innocent and yet shocking.
  • I can be shy but talkative.

I am not one without the other and I am not complete without both sides.  Do I feel this is a weakness of mine?  Sometimes… but I love that I am this way and thrive on it.  My brain is constantly telling me to stretch out of my comfort zones.  At times I listen, and sometimes I don’t.  I fail at times, but other times I am successful.  I am constantly at war with myself and what I think I want versus what I need.  I love that I am able to make bold decisions and just go with it.  I am not afraid of change or the unknown, but do worry about the outcome.  I love that I am always ready for a new adventure and can’t wait to go on my next one!

Are you a contradiction?  Does it bother you?  Sound off in the comments below!

XO,

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My Angel In Heaven

I have really been thinking a lot about my Grandma Helen lately and since she is in Heaven and has been for about 3 years…I just wanted to write her a letter.  As usual I would normally do this in a journal, but since this blog I put all my thoughts for all of you to read.

artist

Dear Grandma,

First, I MISS YOU!!!  I miss you so much that it physically hurts sometimes.  It is so crazy to think about how many things you have already missed out on and it has only been 3 years.  I hope you are loving on my little baby that I lost shortly after you passed.  I am sure the little nugget is in great hands with you!   You missed my sweet Grey being born.  I know you would have loved that I named her after your grandmother.  She would make you so happy with her little personality and crazy hair.  I show her your pictures and tell her who you are, although I am sure she sees you in her sleep, as she always smiles and points at your pictures.  You guys must already have a relationship.  You would be so proud of your little firecracker Pippa.  You always said she was going to be something fierce and you were so right.  She recently started Kindergarten and she is taking after you and becoming such a good little artist.  You would just love her coloring and drawings.  Finley misses you as she actually still remembers you and talks about you often.  She loved you so much and you two had a very special relationship stemming from the minute she came out of me.

gigi

grandma

As far as I am concerned…I miss talking to you.  I miss being able to just come over no matter the time of day and talk to you about anything.  You always had such a perfect perspective on things and knew just what to say to me.  You were one of my favorite people in this world and our strong bond began when I was little.  I can still feel the way I felt so safe and happy when you hugged me and kissed me.  I can still see you standing in the kitchen window waving at me as I would cry leaving your house.  I can still feel your strong but loving hands wrapped up in mine as we watched Golden Girls together.  I can hear your non-judgmental voice and advice as you walked me through the many relationships in my life till I found the perfect guy.  I can hear you telling me that I finally did good when I brought Greg home to meet you.  I can look at your many paintings around my home and know that you are still looking out for me and proud of what I have done.  I love that you are forever surrounding me through my memories and your paintings, but I so wish you could just be here.

girls

grandmas hands

I really hope Heaven is everything we always thought it would be.  I hope it is everything you deserve and that you are happy and pain free.  I hope you are having a blast with all of your family you loved so much that went before you.  I can’t wait to see you again and wrap my arms around you and hug you so tight.

I miss you everyday and you are always on my mind.

Love,

Your #10, your Dreatha.love

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Then…Just Like That

This week is going to be a little rough for this momma.  My fierce, independent, loving, crazy and funny middle child starts kindergarten.  Although I am so happy she is beyond ready to go and more than excited, a part of me is hurting.  I don’t know how I am suppose to let her walk away from me and be in complete care of a woman I have just met.  Don’t get me wrong, her teacher seems super sweet and amazing, but she doesn’t know MY Pippa yet. She doesn’t know that she can be shy at first, but will warm up and be your best friend.  She doesn’t know that she comes across as tough, but is actually really sensitive.  She doesn’t know that she loves hugs even though she may seem like she doesn’t.  She won’t know to ignore Pippa if she seems embarrassed and to not call attention to it.  She doesn’t know these things yet, but I know she will…because my Pippa is something special.

Pippa

kitchen helper

Pippa has always been my little buddy and my sidekick.  She was with me through this time 2 years ago when Finley started kindergarten and knew exactly what to do to distract me from my emotions.  I have a completely different relationship with my two older girls and Pippa has always understood me better than Finley.  She is more in tune with me and knows when I need a hug, or a kiss, or to be left alone.  I am going to miss her so much during the day.  My days will be less exciting and less entertaining, but I know she is going to kill it at school.  Anywhere Pippa goes she leaves her mark and I have no doubt kindergarten will be the same.  She will spread her wings so far that nothing will hold her down.  I am excited to see how Pippa develops and to see where life is going to take her!

little diva

pippa

I love seeing my kids grow and develop, but some days it can be so hard to know they are growing up and getting older.  I now have a second grader and a kindergartner.  It will just be Grey and I at home during the day…and although I will enjoy the break, I will miss and worry about my little Pippa.

XO,

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