Month: February 2016

When Will I Feel It? Part 1

Do you all remember when you were pregnant with your first baby?  All the fairy tales you had in your mind about how perfect everything was going to be.  How birth is going to be this magical thing, that everyone tells you about, when your precious baby comes into this world you will be overwhelmed with this love and affection.  You all hear about the mothers that instinctively know how to hold their tiny newborns bobble head and have so much confidence when it comes to nursing.  They don’t stay up worrying for a straight 48 hours that something is wrong, or could go wrong with their baby.  They have this sense of calm come over them called “maternal instinct.”  So many moms told me about this instant connection I would feel and it would be the best feeling of my life.  They told me I would never forget that first moment that I lay eyes on my daughter and fall madly in love….

They were wrong…

After having Finley I just sat there and waited.  I waited for that instant love.  I waited for that strong connection to knock the wind out of me.  I waited for the “maternal bond” to make itself known to me.  I laid there listening to her cries and I waited…..

baby
About an hour after she was born…I cringe looking at this picture, cause I can see how distant I was.

When they put her in my arms I cried…but I wasn’t crying for joy like the room of nurses and family members thought I was…I was crying because that feeling didn’t come….it hadn’t come, and I felt broken.  Here was this baby who was absolutely breathtaking with long gorgeous dark curly hair, big round eyes, a perfect round head, the cutest little nose I had ever seen….and I felt nothing but panic.  I took one look at my husband and could instantly tell he was madly in love with her.  My mother, grandmother and mother in law were also in the room and they were completely taken with this beautiful baby as well.  So what was wrong with me?

baby girl

That first night in the hospital I was so vacant.  I went through all the motions of getting her to latch, smiling for pictures, acting in love with her…but inside I was numb.  I was afraid of her, afraid of this tiny little 7 pound girl.  I was afraid to hold her, touch her, love her, and bond with her.  I was convinced that something was going to happen to her and I didn’t want to get attached to her.

first sight

What is wrong with me?

I knew pretty early on that something was wrong.  I did not change one diaper while in the hospital, I never changed her clothes…my husband did everything.  He was so amazing and looking back at that time now, I have no idea how I would have survived without him and my mother for never judging me.  They never once made me feel like a bad mother for the things I would say, or not wanting to hold my own baby.  They would try and comfort me as much as they could…but nothing helped.  I would cry all day and all night.  I wouldn’t sleep for fear of something happening to my baby while I was asleep.  I was terrified of SIDS and I just knew it was going to happen any minute.

baby finley

This went on for a few months before I said anything to my doctor about it.  I got the normal answer that it was just my hormones and a case of the “baby blues” and it would pass…but it didn’t…it kept going on and no matter what I would do it got worse.  I continued to go through the motions of taking care of Finley.  I was a stay at home mom, so the responsibility of a lot fell on my shoulders.  My poor husband had to go to work every day worried about his wife and how she would be that day.  I never had harmful thoughts towards my daughter and I assume that is why my doctor wasn’t worried at first.  When I went for Finley’s 6 month check up our family doctor could tell that I still wasn’t better.  I cried so hard in that exam room that day and told her everything I was feeling.  I laid it all out there and feared she would think I was a monster and a horrible mother….but she didn’t!  She held me and told me I was going to be okay and that I had Postpartum Depression….

To Be Continued….

More about after the diagnosis and what I learned from it next!

XO,

 

Fashion Friday – Daughters Dance

Happy Friday everyone!!  This weekend we will be traveling to Michigan for my niece’s first birthday party!  I can’t believe she is already a year old.  Though we don’t get to see them often…I love being able to celebrate special days with them.

Last Friday was an elementary dance for my daughter and her daddy and I got to go with her.  She helped me pick my outfit for the dance and wanted me to put it on the blog for Fashion Friday!

fashion

green top

boots

I love everything about these amazing flares by Dittos.  These are the Melanie Flare and their fit is perfection!  Find similar HERE

My top is from Rock N Republic from Kohls.  This top is great to dress up or dress in a more casual matter like I did here.  Find top HERE

These boots are my favorite bootie that I own.  They are from Shoe Dazzle (as are most of my shoes) and they do not disappoint.  Find similar HERE

fashion

I hope you all love my look for the week.  What is your favorite top to dress up or down?

XO,

 

A Mother’s Love

There are so many days when I feel like I am not loving the girls like I should.  I get frustrated and angry and wonder how these tiny humans can generate such strong emotions.  I feel like as a mother we love differently than fathers.  Dads can just love without all the worry or feelings of judgement.  Mothers take on so much more behind each emotion we feel.

The love between a mother and a daughter is something that is so intricately complicated it is hard to explain.  I can literally be looking at my daughter loving her so fiercely and yet being so angry with her at the same time!  I have tried to put into words some of the many ways a mother will love.

  1.  Complicated- The feelings and emotions I have each day and many times throughout the day is summed up in one word….complicated.  I have never loved someone and disliked someone at the same time.  So many times I get so frustrated and angry with their attitudes and dramatics.  Yet while I am punishing them I realize how much it kills me to punish them for being spirited.  It is so hard to work your way through these emotions.
  2. Tender- A mothers love is tender.  My mother was my best teacher when it comes to tender love.  I honestly don’t remember her ever acting out of anger. She was always so tender and caring whenever something happened to me.  Even when she punished me, you could tell it hurt her.  I never understood it then, but I do now.  I want to be that safe place my children come to when they are hurt, sick, or just need assurance.newborn
  3. Strong- I have a fierce love for my husband…but nothing compares to that of my kids.  I will defend them, protect them, and hurt anyone who dares come after them.  Strong love is made to stand the test of time.  It is built to withstand the bad times and not falter.  These girls will know that no matter what they throw at me, I  will be there and be their rock!
  4. Unconditional-  In order for my girls to grow and blossom they need to not be afraid to mess up or make a mistake.  They need to know that my love for them is unconditional and NOTHING they do will EVER change that!  They will always have me on their side and I will never judge them.Easter
  5. Affectionate- These girls get so sick of me kissing all over them. I am never shy about telling them how much I love them, how beautiful they are, how they make me happy and proud, and how much I love to kiss on them.  They will always have a mom that hugs and kisses them no matter how old they get!
  6. Sacrificial- I have given up so much to be the best mom I could be for them.  I have given up a career, friendships, my body, hobbies, and much more.  Do I miss the old me…sometimes. Do I have regrets….HELL NO!  It is hard giving these 3 little girls all of me, but if that is what they need, then that is what they will have. I will literally give my children my life!
  7. Selfless- The minute I had my first daughter is the minute I no longer mattered.  I know that it is important to have time for myself, but nothing comes before my kids.  The girls will always come first in any decision I make and their priorities as they get older will be #1 on my list.  kids
  8.  Forgiving-  No matter what happens in their life, I will always forgive them and that is all they need to know.
  9. Forever-  I will always always love them.  They are my heart, and my everything.  The girls are my purpose in life and raising them and loving them will never stop. children

A mother’s love is something that no one can really explain.  It defies all explanation, and is one of life’s greatest secrets. It is such a beautiful masterpiece that continues to develop through each stage of development.  With each new chapter adds another piece to my love.  It is something beautiful that God has created and something truly magical.

XO,